the taming of the slayer

by SoulVamp

Introduction

SCENE I. Caritas

[Karaoke music is heard in the background, a truly awful rendition of “Turn the Beat Around” sung by someone offstage who sounds like they’re being strangled. Enter The Host (LORNE) and WESLEY.]

WESLEY
[drunk] What, you’re cutting me off? No more Guinness?

LORNE
Sweetie, you smell like someone dropped you in a beer Jacuzzi.

WESLEY
You’re off your bird. Watchers don’t get intoxicated! Look in the diaries; we’re a terribly respectable lot! [hiccups]

LORNE
So I guess this means you’re not paying for the seventeen martini glasses you broke when you bumped into the bartender.

WESLEY
I’m a Watcher, not Donald Trump. How the devil do you expect me to pay my tab, let alone pay for broken glasses? Besides, it was the bartender’s own bloody fault for getting in my way.

LORNE
Stars and stones. I better get you a protein shake and some coffee, you poor English muffin. You’re gonna be nursing a wicked hangover in the A.M. at this rate.

[Exit LORNE]

WESLEY
He can’t make me pay for a damn thing. I’ll show that rapscallion who’s drunk! Not a bit drunk ‘t all here. Not me…

[WESLEY falls asleep]

[The karaoke music stops. A trumpet sounds. Enter CORDELIA, Princess of Pylea, with her entourage (SILAS and MARKALLO).]

CORDELIA
Boys, can you take care of the car? This neighborhood is sorta sketchy, and I SO don’t want anybody keying the new paintjob, ‘kay?

SILAS
My dear Princess, you mustn’t focus on such matters, considering that the Groosalug still awaits your attentions.

CORDELIA
Oh, my God, are you on that thing again? Jeez, what’s with you people?! A girl wants a little time to visit her home dimension, and you’re all still big with the whole Com-shuk dealie? Guys, we’re in a nightclub. Let your hair… er, robes, whatever… down for the night.

SILAS
As you wish, Princess.

CORDELIA
[sees WESLEY] What’s up with this? Wesley?! Is he dead? In a coma? Ew. Why do I have a bad feeling anytime there’s a coma involved?

MARKALLO
He breathes, Princess, and his body is warmed with much ale.

CORDELIA
God, he’s like a total loser to get so drunk off his ass that he passes out right on his table! Although, huh, gotta say… the ass? Not looking too shabby. Anyway, why don’t we have some fun with him? Let’s set him up in a hotel for the night and get him some clothes and stuff, maybe even mess with him a little, make him think he’s got amnesia or something. That could be all kinds of wacky. He’ll think he’s fallen into an alternate universe.

SILAS
Princess, doesn’t this seem somewhat frivolous? There are government matters --

MARKALLO
Silas, please. If the Princess wants to enjoy her time away from Pylea, who are you to, as they say, “be a total buzzkill”?

CORDELIA
I always knew you were the fun one, Marky boy. [grins] Let’s do this, it’ll be great! We’ll get him the swankiest suite we can find, hire some strippers to pretend to be his servants… hell, we could even get a violinist to hang out and be his personal musician. I’ll dress up like a maid, and you guys can tell Wes that he’s the King of Pylea! He’ll be SO totally confused!

SILAS
As you wish, Princess. We shall attempt to be convincing.

CORDELIA
Okay, take him outside and get him in the car. We’ll find a good hotel.

[They bear out WESLEY. A trumpet sounds, and DEVON enters wearing a half-apron.]

Hey, bartender guy, go find out what that noise is.

DEVON
“Bartender guy”? Cor, we went out a couple times.

CORDELIA
We did? Wow, I have no memory of that. Huh, that’s weird.

[Exit DEVON, muttering under his breath.]

This little gag will be totally cool.

[Re-enter DEVON]

There you are. What was the fuss outside?

DEVON
This totally lame-ass comedy troupe from Sunnydale wants to hang out with you, Cordy. They say they knew you in high school, before you became a princess. Which, I gotta say? Weird. This is L.A., not Europe. Who the hell is a princess in L.A.?

CORDELIA
[rolls her eyes] Haven’t you ever heard of inter-dimensional travel?

DEVON
Inter… what?

CORDELIA
Whatever. Send the troupe in.

[Enter Players]

Oh, kill me now. YOU guys?!

XANDER
Cordelia! We heard you changed your look, but I had no idea it included shiny bikini tops. [stares a moment] Oh, hey, uh, right. We quit the whole fighting-demons thing and became The Scooby Improv Experiment. Comedy Central is totally interested in picking up our pilot.

CORDELIA
This is so big on the unfairness meter, I can’t even begin to express it. I spend two years trying to become an actress, and the people who couldn’t even do ONE SCENE in the school talent show without freaking out are gonna be the next “Kids in the Hall”?!

XANDER
Funny how that works out. Hey, you want us to put on a show for you?

CORDELIA
What? Why?

XANDER
I dunno. It could be fun.

CORDELIA
[dubious] I… guess. Whatever. OH! Hey, actually, you guys could actually help me out. Remember Wesley? We found him passed out in here, and I feel like screwing with his head a little. Wanna help?

XANDER
Sure, why not?

CORDELIA
[to DEVON] Hey, can you take these guys outside and find my lackey dudes? Hail a cab for them if they won’t all fit in my car.

[Exit DEVON with the Players; enter LORNE]

OO! Lorne! Do you know a good escort service? I’d like to hire a girl to pretend to be Wesley’s wife.

LORNE
[blinks] Cordy-kins, have you gone power mad in your newly-royal state?

CORDELIA
Maybe a little.

LORNE
[grins] I hear “power mad” is the new look this season.

[Exeunt]

SCENE II. A suite in the Hyperion Hotel.

[Enter aloft WESLEY, with Cordelia’s Attendants, and CORDELIA, wearing a maid’s outfit.]

WESLEY
[starting to wake up] Mother, it’s not time for school yet. Five more minutes.

SILAS
Will it please your lordship to have some tea?

MARKALLO
Will it please your honour to have some bread pudding?

SILAS
Shall I prepare your royal robes?

WESLEY
What the devil? I’m Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. Why are you calling me “lord” and “honour”? Although tea sounds rather nice, I suppose.

CORDELIA
Master Wesley! You’re awake! Are you in a bad mood? You had a lot to drink last night.

WESLEY
Cordelia? What on earth is that get-up? Why are you calling me “master”?

SILAS
Oh, dear sire, have you forgotten yourself?

MARKALLO
Your household is concerned about you, sire.

CORDELIA
Master Wesley, don’t you remember being crowned the King of Pylea? Look, anything you need, I can get for you. You want me to send the boys to wheel the TV in here? You can watch cricket matches on ESPN-2 all day if you want.

SILAS
Anything you wish, lord.

MARKALLO
Would you like some wenches to console you?

CORDELIA
There’s a helluva lot of wenches in the other room, Master Wesley. I can have one of them dress up like a cheerleader.

SILAS
Perhaps you wish us to hire you a coach to direct you to the theatre.

CORDELIA
You’re a king, Wes. Anything you want, you name it.

SILAS
We are but your humble servants, and have been for years, sire. Shall we fetch your wife?

WESLEY
I… I’m king? And I have a WIFE?! No, no, this has got to be a dream. Or perhaps I was dreaming before, and my life to this point has been hallucinatory. [pause] Come to think of it, I like that notion better. Fine. I’m King. Let’s have a spot more Guinness, and… er, right. Bring in my wife. But only if she’s quite fetching.

MARKALLO
Yes, sire, you’ve been asleep for over a dozen years, and now you awaken.

WESLEY
A dozen years?! Bugger, but that’s a bit of a long nap.

SILAS
Not to worry, sire. In our dimension, you haven’t aged a day. Often in your sleep, you would call out for “Faith.”

WESLEY
[blinks] Faith?

MARKALLO
Your wife, master.

WESLEY
This is insanity. Ah, well, bring her in, I suppose.

[Enter FAITH, dressed as a princess]

FAITH
[tugging at her dress] This corset is really binding, Cordy.

CORDELIA
Shush!

FAITH
Oh. Right. Sorry. [clears throat] Hey, hubby. What’s shakin’?

WESLEY
Faith? We’re… we’re married?

FAITH
Yup! For awhile now. You helped me with that whole road-to-redemption thing, so we got hitched and went off to Pylea together. It’s been rad as hell, ‘til you went into this whole coma deal.

WESLEY
I… I’m sorry, I don’t remember.

FAITH
Ah, it’s no big. When you’re feeling better, I’m all about reminding you of our wedding night. [smirk]

WESLEY
[blushes] Perhaps. But can this really be true?

CORDELIA
Totally true. You want me to show you the wedding album?

WESLEY
The… wedding album?

FAITH
I have pictures from the honeymoon, too, if that’ll help.

WESLEY
Faith, they tell me I’ve been asleep for over a decade.

FAITH
Seems longer to me, without being able to make with the naughty with ya, baby.

WESLEY
[blushes more] Right, then. What if you lot all leave me alone now with my… wife here?

FAITH
Hang on, cowboy. You need some rest. I don’t wanna break ya. How’s about we all just hang out for awhile?

WESLEY
True enough. I should hate to fall into another coma from exertion.

[Enter LORNE]

LORNE
King Wesley, you’ve got company. The doctors say you could use some fun to get your mind off your illness, so a comedy troupe is here to put on a show for you.

WESLEY
Oh, hell. What, a bunch of mimes wants to do “walking against the wind” or something equally unpleasant?

FAITH
Nah, these guys are good. It’ll be fun, baby.

WESLEY
This is most bizarre. What sort of comedy troupe comes in and entertains a fellow in his sick bed? This isn’t the Elizabethan era.

FAITH
C’mon, just give ‘em a chance.

WESLEY
Oh, fine. Here, Faith, sit beside me. We’ll watch together.

[Enter Players]

WESLEY
Buffy? Xander? GILES?! What’s the meaning of this?!

BUFFY
Chill, Wes. Just sit back and relax. We’re gonna put on a play for you, and it’ll be great!

GILES
Just give us a moment. Willow has to cast a spell on the room here.

WILLOW
Magic scenery always looks more realistic. [starts to chant in Latin]

[The hotel suite begins to fade away.]

Act 1

SCENE I. Sunnydale. The street outside the Espresso Pump.

[Enter RILEY and FORREST]

RILEY
Forrest, why do we get all the crappy assignments? Sunnydale just doesn’t have anything on Iowa. I mean, yeah, I get that when you’re in the military, you pretty much have to go where they send you, but, man, this place is dull. I guess it’s not so bad if the government is paying for me to go to grad school.

FORREST
Dude, you think Iowa’s LESS boring than Sunnydale? What kinda funky meds are you on, man?

RILEY
Aw, c’mon! Iowa has cows, and… and… okay, I got nothing. Anyway, I guess we’d better make the best of this. [spots people in the distance] Hey, who’s that?

FORREST
Sunnydale Welcome Wagon, maybe?

[Enter GILES, BUFFY, DAWN, OZ, and XANDER. RILEY and FORREST watch from a distance.]

GILES
Boys, you cannot persuade me. I am most certainly resolved. Dawn shan’t marry until Buffy does. Now, please, stop pestering me about it. I shall get Dobermans to guard the house if you lot continue to try to climb the trellis in the middle of the night.

OZ
Huh. Weird.

BUFFY
Giles, I’m not marrying any of these guys. And this whole Dawn-can’t-get-married-before-me thing? Really sexist. We’re not property.

XANDER
No offense, Buff, but I don’t see anybody wanting to marry you anytime soon. You’ve been really kinda bitchy lately.

BUFFY
[glares] Bitchy? BITCHY?! I’ll show you bitchy. You try saving the world your entire adolescence and see if you don’t get a little bitchy, too! Sheesh, I swear, I could totally kick your ass.

XANDER
[steps back] Yeah. I get that. ‘Scuse me, I’ll just be over here looking for my manhood.

OZ
[shakes head sadly] Dude.

FORREST
Hey, man, this might be interesting. That chick Buffy? She’s nuts.

RILEY
Yeah, but her sister’s cute. And, okay, I think I really like her, even if she’s clearly jailbait.

FORREST
Hang on, Riley. Let’s keep watching. This is better than a “Melrose Place” marathon.

GILES
Dawn, go home. These boys are terribly rude. Ignore them.

BUFFY
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn! Everything’s all about protecting Dawn! Does nobody remember that I DIED for her?! Hello, noble sacrifice here, and it’s STILL all about her! This is so unfair.

DAWN
Buffy, don’t you love me anymore? [pout] Fine. Giles, I’m gonna go read up on some more ancient Sumerian.

RILEY
Oh, God, Forrest! Her voice! That girl is just incredible!

XANDER
Giles, c’mon now. I’m sorry if I freaked out Dawn just because I want to date her. Which, yeah, kinda squicky when you think about it too much, but she’s totally the kind of girl who’s gonna be way hot when she grows up.

OZ
Dude. [rolls eyes] Giles, I dig Dawn more.

GILES
My mind is made up, boys. Dawn, go home.

[Exit DAWN]

She’s making me quite proud studying up on the Watcher texts. I intend to bring in some men from the Council to instruct her further. Xander, Oz, if you truly want to prove yourselves worthy, you ought to ring up the university and hire tutors to assist in this endeavor. Go on, now. Buffy, you’re free to stay out and patrol if you wish. I have to spend some time at your house speaking with Dawn.

[Exit GILES]

BUFFY
What, I can’t go home, too, if I want? Hello, I don’t have to patrol EVERY night!

[Exit BUFFY]

OZ
This is messed, Xand. Dawn’s in love with me. Which, again, is pretty gross.

XANDER
Nah, man, she loves ME. Which isn’t any less gross. We’re both screwed here, but let’s not let this ruin our friendship. Dawn’ll pick which one she likes better. Hang on. We oughtta really team up here and do something about all this.

OZ
Like what?

XANDER
We’ll find some guy dumb enough to marry Buffy.

OZ
He’d have to be really dumb. Maybe even evil.

XANDER
Oo, that’s a thought. Maybe we could hire a vampire.

OZ
You know, Giles has his Council pension. Somebody who marries Buffy might wind up pretty comfortable money-wise.

XANDER
See? We could hire a vampire who needs some cash.

OZ
I dunno, though, man. He’d have to be desperate. Plus, she might, you know, stake him on the wedding night.

XANDER
We’ll find a stupid, suicidal, evil, desperate vampire, then. Can’t be too hard. Anyway, if we do this, Dawn’ll be free and clear, and she can marry one of us. Whaddaya say, Oz?

OZ
[shrugs] Sure.

[Exeunt OZ and XANDER]

FORREST
[thwaps RILEY] Dude, c’mon. Your mouth’s hangin’ open.

RILEY
I always thought love at first sight was a myth, but, man, Dawn is super hot. Those dorks couldn’t get her if they tried. You’ll help me win her over, right?

FORREST
You’re buggin’.

RILEY
Come ON! It’ll be an adventure!

FORREST
Being in a secret military operation isn’t adventure enough for you?

RILEY
Did you SEE her? She’s gorgeous!

FORREST
But you heard that stuff about her sis. There’s no way that chick’s gonna get a guy to marry her.

RILEY
Forrest, Dawn’s amazing. I’m not giving up here.

FORREST
You are so messed. Look, if you really want Dawn, you gotta think straight. Buffy is a mega psycho bitch. Their guardian’s on the whole old-fashioned marital order business. Until Buffy gets hitched, Dawn’s off-limits. And I don’t see Buffy getting married anytime this century.

RILEY
Wow, this sucks. Wait, didn’t that Giles guy say something about getting tutors for Dawn?

FORREST
Yeah, so?

RILEY
I got an idea.

FORREST
Nah, man, I got an idea.

RILEY
Okay, what’s your idea?

FORREST
You go in there and pretend to be a tutor. That way, you’ll get to make googly eyes at her right under Giles’s nose.

RILEY
Sweet! You think that’d work?

FORREST
Maybe. Problem is, who’s gonna take your place at the Initiative? They’re expecting both of us.

RILEY
I can just go AWOL. This is more important. Plus, nobody’s seen us in town yet. Or hey, better yet, you could just pretend to be me when you report to Professor Walsh. Nobody’ll be the wiser. Just keep my place at the frat house. Here, put on my jacket. That’ll be the perfect disguise for you.

FORREST
A jacket. What is this, the Clark Kent school of disguise? Fine, whatever. You’re just lucky you’re my bud. I wouldn’t be doing this crap for just anybody.

RILEY
You’re a pal, Forrest. Aw, jeez, here comes the professor. Now, remember, you’re me, and I’m just a civilian, a tutor.

[Enter Professor WALSH]

Hey, aren’t you in the psych department?

WALSH
Yes, I teach at Sunnydale University. [studies them carefully] Wait. Aren’t you both supposed to be reporting to me? Why is he wearing your jacket, Agent Finn?

RILEY
Darn it, you saw right through our clever plan. Fine, I’m Riley, this is Forrest, and we were supposed to report to you today, but some, uh, demon activity sprang up, soooo we’re in disguise. See, Forrest saved my life from a rampaging Hostile, whom I then killed, so the guy’s friends are after me. I just need to lay low for awhile. Just let Forrest have my spot with the Initiative until I can come back. Is that okay?

WALSH
This isn’t a thinly-veiled method by which to go AWOL is it, Finn?

RILEY
For all intents and purposes right now, HE’S Finn. Got it?

WALSH
You’re both mildly insane. Hmm. This might make a fascinating case study.

FORREST
And none of this has ANYTHING to do with a girl. I swear.

RILEY
Forrest, shut up!

[Exeunt]

[The scenery dissolves back into the Hyperion Hotel.]

SILAS
My lord, you’re falling asleep. You don’t find the entertainment enjoyable?

WESLEY
Hmm? Oh, sorry. Yes, it’s quite good, really. Is there more?

FAITH
It’s just startin’, Wes.

WESLEY
It’s fine, it’s fine. [eyes FAITH somewhat lasciviously] I just wish it were over soon.

SCENE II. Sunnydale. Before XANDER'S house.

Enter SPIKE and HOLDEN

SPIKE
Prague was very, very bad. Poor Dru never stood a chance. Ah, well, Sunnydale will do a spot better. ‘Sides, I can see my old pal Xander Harris. Always was fun to con him into buyin’ me a pint or twelve. Here, Webs, go on and knock up, get us a proper invite.

HOLDEN
Knock up?! I didn’t knock anybody up, I swear! I don’t even think I… well, uh, I don’t think I can so much DO that anymore, you know, since you sired me and all.

SPIKE
Oh, bloody hell. Fledglings. Here, Webster, knock up for me here and now!

HOLDEN
I… [whispers] There aren’t even any women around, Spike.

SPIKE
Rap on the sodding gate, or I’ll stake you, you half-wit!

HOLDEN
Hey, whoa, don’t get all pissed.

SPIKE
I haven’t had a drop, lad. I’m hardly pissed. God, do I have to do everything myself? [produces a stake] Well?

HOLDEN
[freaks out] CRAZY VAMPIRE ALERT! CRAZY VAMPIRE ALERT! HELP!

SPIKE
You’re as useful as a fifty-year-old rubber, you know that?

[Enter XANDER]

XANDER
What’s going on here? Hey, Spike! What’re you doing in Sunnydale? [laughs nervously] Please don’t kill me.

SPIKE
Harris! Good to see you! Here, help me stake my offspring, won’t you?

XANDER
Uh, no. I think I went to high school with that guy. It’d be weird.

HOLDEN
Thank you! Finally, someone sensible! You’re not a psych major, are you?

SPIKE
I’m surrounded by idiots. Harris, I told the berk to knock on your door here, and he got all twitchy about it.

HOLDEN
Knock on the DOOR? Oh, jeez. When you said “knock up,” I was… [chuckles] This is another one of those weird British things, isn’t it?

SPIKE
Do shut up. I swear to God, I’ll stake you.

XANDER
Spike, calm down. Why aren’t you in Prague anyway?

SPIKE
Er, angry mob. Lost my girl and all my money. So, figured I’d swing ‘round old Sunnydale way, see if I couldn’t get a new girl and new money. After all, we’re on the Hellmouth. Vamp like me oughtta be able to clean up, eh?

XANDER
You wouldn’t want to marry, say, a really, really scary chick, would you? She’s rich, after all. Wait, no, I wouldn’t saddle you with her. You’d probably kill me.

SPIKE
Harris, if the woman’s rich, I don’t give a toss how scary you claim she is. I want a bird with some dough. That’s all I care about.

HOLDEN
Seriously. He’d marry a rotting corpse if it came with a Swiss bank account.

XANDER
Well, this might work out well for everybody, then. This girl’s got money, looks, and a good family. The only thing is that she’s a huge bitch, totally mean and big with the temper tantrums. I wouldn’t marry her myself, no matter how rich she is.

SPIKE
Harris, you’re such a prat. Got no idea how nice it is to actually have money. What’s her father’s name?

XANDER
She has a guardian, Rupert Giles. Pretty nice guy, if you like the stuffy type. Her name’s Buffy Summers. Oh, and one other thing: she’s a Slayer.

SPIKE
A Slayer? Oh, this makes it all even more interesting. Fact, I think I met this Giles fellow’s mum back in the ‘40s. She was a Watcher. Think Drusilla and I tried to eat her once. Ah, don’t matter, that. Gotta meet this bird, I do. Can you set it up?

HOLDEN
Man, I don’t like this idea. Buffy Summers was in my French class, and, yeah, she’s hot, but she’s so uptight! Look at her wrong, and she’d scream at you!

XANDER
I’ll let you meet Buffy, but I gotta go with. See, the thing is, I’m in love with Buffy’s little sister Dawn, and Giles won’t let her marry anybody until Buffy’s married.

HOLDEN
Bitchy the Vampire Slayer! Spike, think about what you’re doing here!

XANDER
C’mon, Spike! I got a great plan, even! I’m going to go to Buffy’s house and disguise myself as a tutor so I can help Dawn with her homework. That way, I can try to make out with her without Giles being any the wiser.

HOLDEN
That’s low, man. I’m a vampire, and that’s low even for me!

[Enter OZ and RILEY]

Hey, who’re those guys?

XANDER
It’s just Oz. He’s in love with Dawn, too. We have this whole friendly-rivalry thing happening. Spike, hang out for a while.

HOLDEN
This is just nuts.

OZ
Hey. I got Dawn a tutor. Check it out. [points to RILEY] So, you’re gonna make sure Dawn knows I’m in love with her, right?

RILEY
Right. Consider me totally in your corner here. [aside] Not.

OZ
Cool.

XANDER
Hey, Oz.

OZ
Hey, Xand. You know where I’m going? To give Dawn this tutor. He’s all smart.

XANDER
Well, isn’t that special? I got Dawn a tutor, too.

OZ
Dawn loves me.

XANDER
Oz, this isn’t the time to get into this. Listen, this guy is gonna go out with Buffy!

OZ
Seriously? Did you tell him about her?

SPIKE
I know she’s a psychotic, shrill cow. And I’m oddly fine with that.

OZ
Did you just get released from the loonybin?

SPIKE
Not a bit of it. I’m a vampire. Bad-tempered birds hardly bother me.

OZ
Fine. You’re a vampire. I still say this girl’s almost too evil for you. You seriously gonna try to marry her?

SPIKE
Will she stake me?

HOLDEN
If she stakes you, Spike, I’ll bite her.

SPIKE
I came to Sunnydale to find a match. You think some screeching would bother me? Please. I’ve made grown men scream by torturing the hell out of them. I’ve driven railroad spikes through the heads of old ladies. A woman’s tongue? That’s nothing, mates. I’m gonna be fine, I am.

HOLDEN
Woo hoo! Check out my sire, the fearless William the Bloody!

OZ
Xand, this rocks. Good job, man.

XANDER
I promised you we’d figure out how to get Buffy out of the way, even if we both want Dawn.

OZ
You know, he MIGHT not be able to get her.

SPIKE
[smirks] I never met a bird what didn’t fancy me.

[Enter FORREST and WALSH]

FORREST
Hey, anybody know how to get to the Summers house?

WALSH
The Slayer’s home?

FORREST
Yeah.

OZ
Huh?

RILEY
What the hell?

FORREST
Just, ah, taking Miss Summers’s professor here to see her.

SPIKE
Oh, so the bitch is smart, too, is she?

FORREST
Professor, let’s go. We’ll figure out how to get there.

RILEY
[to FORREST] What’s this about?

FORREST
[to RILEY] Hell if I know. I think I’m just an extraneous plot device at this point, man.

XANDER
Hey, hang on a sec, there, guy. Are you trying to go out with the younger Summers, Dawn?

FORREST
Mayyyyybe.

OZ
Aw, dude. That’s not cool.

FORREST
What, I can’t get a little woo in?

OZ
Not with her.

FORREST
Why not?

OZ
’Cause she’s my girl.

XANDER
No, because she’s MY girl.

FORREST
C’mon, can’t we be civil here? Giles is a good guy. He’ll figure this out fairly.

OZ
[looks at the sky] Weird. I suddenly feel a full moon coming on.

RILEY
[aside] Full… oh, man, a werewolf. That’s just the kind of competition I don’t need!

SPIKE
Harris, what the devil’s this bloke on about?

XANDER
Hang on. Have you ever even SEEN Dawn Summers?

FORREST
No, but I know she’s as well-known for being a total babe as her sis is for being a total bitch.

SPIKE
The bitch is mine, thanks. I called dibs.

OZ
You can have her.

SPIKE
Let me see if I’ve got this sussed out, then. The little one, Dawn, can’t date anybody ‘til Buffy’s got herself hitched, right? Wee bird’ll be free then and not before.

FORREST
If you’re seriously going after Buffy, then hey, good luck, man. You’ll need it.

XANDER
All right, if you’re really after Dawn, you gotta be nice to Spike here. He’s gotta be successful at getting Buffy, or nobody gets Dawn.

FORREST
It’s cool. Hey, why don’t we all go get a beer?

OZ
The Bronze has a good band tonight.

WALSH
Oh, this is getting really juvenile now.

XANDER
I never turn down beer. Spike, yours are on me tonight.

[Exeunt]

Act 2, Scene 1

SCENE I. Sunnydale. The living room of BUFFY’s house.

[Enter BUFFY and DAWN]

DAWN
Buffy, come on! Quit being so mean to me! It’s not my fault Giles wants you to get married! You’re still my sister, and I love you!

BUFFY
Which one of your little boyfriends do you love, anyway?

DAWN
I don’t love any of the guys after me!

BUFFY
Oh, please. You love Xander, don’t you?

DAWN
If you like Xander, I swear you can have him!

BUFFY
Oh, I see how it is. You love Oz!

DAWN
Is he the problem? If you want Oz, he’s totally yours!

BUFFY
You don’t even know just how annoying you are, do you?!

[Enter GILES]

GILES
Girls, please, stop yelling! You’re interrupting my reading. Buffy, what on earth have you done to Dawn? She’s crying!

BUFFY
She’s leading all these guys on, Giles, can’t you tell?

GILES
Dawn, go to your room. I’ll speak to Buffy about her behavior.

[Exit DAWN]

BUFFY
You’re always on her side! Let her get married, and I’ll get tanked at her wedding.

[Exit]

GILES
What did I do to deserve this? Hang on, is someone coming?

[Enter OZ, RILEY, SPIKE, XANDER (disguised as another tutor) and FORREST, with WALSH bearing books]

OZ
Hey.

GILES
Hello, Oz. Hello, gentlemen!

SPIKE
‘Lo, mate. You got a charge here called Buffy, all pretty and nice-like?

GILES
[slowly] I… I have a charge, sir, called Buffy. The nice part, however, is subject to much debate.

OZ
Dude, you’re laying it on too thick.

SPIKE
C’mon, lad, let me have my say here, eh? I came halfway ‘cross the bloody world to meet Buffy, sir, ‘cause I heard how beautiful and kind she was. I’d like to ask permission to court her all properly, and so I brought here a friend of mine [presents XANDER] what’s gonna teach her Latin or some such.

GILES
Er, right, then. Still, Buffy’s a bit of a handful.

SPIKE
Ah, I see. Not good enough for ‘er, am I?

GILES
No, no, it’s not that. What’s your name?

SPIKE
William, though those I find worthy call me Spike. I’m rather famous throughout Europe for my, er… poetry. Right. Yeah. Poetry.

GILES
I suppose you’ll do.

OZ
Spike, you’re gonna get us all thrown out of here.

SPIKE
Not a bit of it.

OZ
Just reign it in a little. Giles, I brought a tutor for Dawn, too. [presenting RILEY] He knows all kinds of stuff.

GILES
Thanks ever so, Oz.

[to FORREST]

And who might you be, young man?

FORREST
I’m, uh, Riley Finn, and I heard your other charge, Dawn, was pretty swell, so I’m here to bring her some books [gestures to WALSH, who gives GILES a stack of books] for her studies.

GILES
And where are you from?

FORREST
Iowa.

[Everyone studies him suspiciously.]

What, they don’t have brothers in Iowa?!

GILES
A fine state, Iowa, or so I’ve heard.

[Enter APRILBOT, dressed as a maid]

Would you be so kind as to tell Dawn and Buffy that their tutors are here?

APRILBOT
Gladly! [beams]

[Exit APRILBOT with RILEY and XANDER, WALSH exiting opposite.]

GILES
Would you gents like a spot of tea? You’re quite welcome to stay.

SPIKE
Er, mate, I don’t want to seem… indelicate, as it were, but what sort of dowry we talkin’ about here for your eldest?

GILES
When I die, Buffy shall inherit my pension, five million a year.

SPIKE
And, for that, I promise that if she survives me [wry grin] she can have, er, my grandsire’s place. Great poncy mansion. Quite posh.

GILES
Grand… sire?

SPIKE
[laughing nervously] Did I say sire? I meant father. Grandfather.

GILES
Ah, well, this sounds quite amenable, then. That is, if she fancies you at all.

SPIKE
Oh, piffle. I swear I’m as big a pain as she sounds to be, and you know what they say about two passionate people, mate. Like fires consuming each other and dying out in a big, blustery wind. [pauses, continues more pensively] I’m a bit of a bastard, I admit, but I think that’ll only serve to make us both rather softer ‘round the edges in the end.

GILES
Well, then, let’s on with it, but be prepared for her to be coarse with you.

SPIKE
I can take it.

[Re-enter XANDER, with a black eye]

GILES
What happened to you, lad?

XANDER
[groans unintelligibly]

GILES
Didn’t Buffy wish to study with you? God, what am I saying? Buffy has never wanted to study, unless it’s been to learn how to more effectively beat up some poor hapless sod.

XANDER
Yeah. She’s way not keen on the studying thing. Ow.

GILES
Did she give you that shiner, then?

XANDER
[glares] Of COURSE not. She was the epitome of sweet, much in the vein of Mandy Moore: The Early Years. In fact, she wanted to study longer, but then for some reason I decided to run my face into her fist. I don’t know why. I guess I’m mildly retarded. [pause] Uh, hello, YES she gave me this shiner! Not only that, but she called me names that I’ve never even heard in a Kevin Smith movie.

SPIKE
[blinks, staggers backward slightly] Bloody hell, but there’s a passionate woman. I think I’m in love.

GILES
[sighs] Poor fellow. Go on with you, I’m sure my maid can get you some ice for your eye. Look on the bright side: at least she didn’t poke it out.

XANDER
[flinches] Don’t mention eye poke-age. For some reason, eye loss has always given me a wig.

GILES
Here, what if you instructed Dawn instead of Buffy? She’s far kinder, in case the audience hasn’t figured that out by now. And Spike, would you like some of that tea now, or shall I send you to your doom? Er, that is, shall I send Buffy to you?

SPIKE
Bring her on, mate.

[Exeunt all but SPIKE]

Yeah, this’ll be great. I’ll chat her up real good when she gets here. If she starts yellin’ at me, I’ll tell her she’s got the nicest voice I’ve ever heard. If she frowns and glares, I’ll tell her she’s fetching as hell. If she won’t even talk to me at all, I’ll tell her she’s all manner of witty and eloquent. If she tells me to bugger off, I’ll act like she’s asked me to stay ‘round and visit for a week. And if she won’t marry me, I’ll just thank her for agreeing to be my wife. Oh, damn, I hear her coming. Right, then, time to get this done.

[Enter BUFFY]

Evenin’, Slayer. ‘S what they call you, I hear.

BUFFY
Excuse much? Nobody CALLS me “Slayer.” I just am one. My name is Buffy.

SPIKE
Lying little thing. I got your number, and you’re called the Slayer, plain and simple. The demons and vampires out there all can’t help but admit you’re also the beautiful Slayer and sometimes the bitchy Slayer; but always the Slayer, the prettiest one ever. [sidles up to her] The Slayer of vampires and the Slayer of my heart, and as such, Slayer, catching wind of the rumors of your sweet nature and your most desirable figure, I decided you wouldn’t be such an awful woman to come marry.

BUFFY
You’ve come to marry me? I’m thinking no. In fact, whoever let you come here can just show you the door. [studies him] You come see all the rich girls in town, don’t you? Gold digging gigolo.

SPIKE
I don’t come for every girl, luv.

BUFFY
I just bet you don’t.

SPIKE
[whispers] Don’t you ever let blokes come for you?

BUFFY
Ew, gross much? You’re an ass.

SPIKE
And you’re an angel.

BUFFY
Are you high?

SPIKE
God, you’re sexy, pet. And all that golden hair. Wonder what it’d look like bouncing around your shoulders when you --

BUFFY
Don’t EVEN go there. You’re never going to find out anyway. [eyes narrow] You’re a vampire, aren’t you? No way in hell I’d sleep with you, let alone marry you.
SPIKE
Ah, but haven’t you heard of the charms of a demon?

BUFFY
That some of them have horns?

SPIKE
Are you calling me horny?

BUFFY
If the shoe fits…

SPIKE
Your shoes are made for sipping champagne out of, and your body’s made for love.

BUFFY
Did Giles actually let you in here to proposition me? This is getting more disturbing all the time. The only thing my body’s made for is fighting and killing your kind.

SPIKE
You got a stake at the ready, then, pet? Where’ve you got it hidden?

BUFFY
[holds out her arms] It’s on me. You’d never find it.

SPIKE
Oh, but I’d have a helluva lot of fun trying to find it.

BUFFY
You’d be dust before you laid a hand on me.

SPIKE
Would I, now? [takes a step forward]

BUFFY
Screw this. I’m out of here.

SPIKE
What, without your hard wood bein’ whipped out and thrust into me? C’mon, luv, I promise I won’t try anything. I can be a gentleman when I have to.

BUFFY
You wouldn’t know a gentleman if you ate one.

[She strikes him]

SPIKE
Oh, so you want to play it that way, right? Don’t think I won’t hit back.

BUFFY
If you do, you’ll start losing appendages. And I don’t just mean arms and legs. I mean fun things. So watch it.

SPIKE
You think my appendage would be fun, do you? Can I have that in writing?

BUFFY
[slightly flustered] Fun in the sense of being un-fun. And… and small.

SPIKE
Hardly, luv.

BUFFY
Well, whatever. It’s not like I want you to prove it either way. [pause] Although, you wear a, what, eleven shoe? Those are some fairly big feet you got there… uh… Wait, no, bad thoughts! What am I saying?!

SPIKE
Come on, Slayer, calm yourself.

BUFFY
I’m sorry, I tend to get all annoyed when I meet someone as big a jerk as you.

SPIKE
Who, me? I’m as gentle as a lamb. Here, give us a smile, ducks.

BUFFY
Bastard.

SPIKE
Not a bit. Smile for me.

BUFFY
Why?

SPIKE
I’d wager you’ve got a lovely smile.

BUFFY
[softening slightly] What’s your game here? You just want my money. And I’m thinking I’m way too young for you, in the century-age-gap sort of way.

SPIKE
No, pet. In my heart, I fear I’m too young for you.

BUFFY
But you’ve gotta be old. You’re a vampire, and you have this whole stuck-in-the-‘70s thing going.

SPIKE
I am older than you, yeah, but I swear you make me feel young and foolish as hell.

BUFFY
That’s sort of… No, no, that’s NOT sweet. Not at all. You’re weird and gross and DEAD!

SPIKE
Do I feel dead? [puts an arm around her waist]

BUFFY
If that hand moves any further south, you’re so even MORE dead. Let go of me.

SPIKE
You wouldn’t kill me, pet. I’m gettin’ to you, I can tell. Everybody couldn’t stop telling me what a pain you are, and now I see they were lying, ‘cause you’re sweet, warm, and tender, shy and lovely, never one to grow cross, but rather mild and soft. Why’s everybody got to go on about how you’re a nasty sort? Libel, slander, that. The Slayer’s a straight arrow and sweet as honey.

BUFFY
You’re never tasting this honey. Get out.

SPIKE
No, you’re honey, my honey, my sweet, beautiful Slayer.

BUFFY
You talk like a bad Hallmark card.

SPIKE
I’m a bad poet, but a good man.

BUFFY
A good man? You’re a vampire. You can’t be good.

SPIKE
Maybe not good per se… [quietly] but I’m bloody well good at some things.

BUFFY
[long pause] Like what?

SPIKE
Like taking you, sweet Slayer, to my bed. So, what say you? Your guardian says I can have you for my wife. We talked about your bloody dowry, even, so I feature having you, pet. You can’t deny I’m the only sort who’d have you. I see that spark inside you, I see your beauty, and you got a hold on my poor old heart so hard it’s bound to choke me. I was made to love you, Slayer, and show you how you may have a destiny of violence, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to be violent in your soul. [pause] Buffy, let me try. I could be a good husband.

[Re-enter GILES, OZ, and FORREST]

GILES
How goes it with Buffy, Spike?

SPIKE
I’d wager it goes quite well.

GILES
Buffy? Are you all right?

BUFFY
Am I all right?! How the hell should I be all right?! You’re like a father to me, Giles, and you’re forcing me to marry HIM?! He’s crazy! He’s disgusting! Okay, I admit he’s easy on the eyes, but that’s not enough to make me willing to do this! What century are we living in where a woman who is TOTALLY over eighteen has no say in who she marries?! I’m writing a letter to Gloria Steinam.

SPIKE
Giles, why the devil did you lie to me? Said she was difficult, and I found nothing here but the most amenable girl. If she gets a bit flinty from time to time, I suspect it’s ‘cause folks expect it of her, bein’ the Slayer and all. With me alone here, she was all manner of accommodating, and so we set the wedding day for Sunday. Got to be after sunset, though, on account of not wanting to have to register us as Mr. and Mrs. Big Pile of Dust.

GILES
Beg pardon? Pile of…

BUFFY
He’s a vampire.

GILES
Oh. But he’ll marry you?

SPIKE
I want nothing better than to be her husband.

GILES
Well, then, Buffy, I don’t see how that should matter in the least.

BUFFY
You try to marry me on Sunday, and I swear to God I’ll break out my new crossbow on your ass.

OZ
Dude.

FORREST
This is getting too heavy for me. I think I should split.

SPIKE
Hang on, mates. This is the woman I choose. If we’re happy, who’re you to judge us? She loves me, this one. She kissed me and told me so. You lot don’t know love or luck, not like I do now. No way in hell she’s gonna off me. Now, I s’pose I’ve got to go get m’self a proper tux and whatall.

GILES
This is most unusual, but I must admit I’m rather pleased to see Buffy married at last.

SPIKE
See you on Sunday, then. I’ll get you a ring, ducks, all shiny and sparkly. Kiss me, Slayer.

[SPIKE takes BUFFY around the waist and plants a fierce kiss on her. BUFFY sputters and shoves him away. Exeunt SPIKE, a spring in his step, and BUFFY, stalking off angrily.]

OZ
That was sudden.

GILES
I must get back to my studies, gentlemen.

FORREST
Yeah, I gotta get back to the Ini… uh, fraternity house.

GILES
Interesting match, wouldn’t you say?

OZ
I’d use the word “scary.” Oh, but hey, Giles, what about Dawn? I started seeing her before Xander did, and way before this guy here.

FORREST
Um, I love her more… ?

OZ
Nobody loves her as much as I do.

FORREST
Aren’t you a werewolf?

OZ
So?

FORREST
Dawn deserves a normal guy.

GILES
Let’s settle this rationally. Which of you has more to offer Dawn? Oz, what can you offer her?

OZ
My parents are loaded.

FORREST
So are mine. Plus, I’m not a werewolf.

OZ
This guy’s sketchy, Giles.

FORREST
Haven’t you ever heard of the Finns of Iowa? They’re like royalty there. [aside] I’m not even buyin’ this, yo.

OZ
[softly] I can offer Dawn my love. That’s pretty much it.

FORREST
Again I say: I ain’t no damn werewolf.

GILES
If I’m wedding one charge to a vampire, I should think it rash to wed the other to a werewolf. Fine, then, Riley, if Dawn finds you favorable, you may have her.

FORREST
Sweet. Lemme just get this down for posterity. [takes out a tape recorder] Say that again, man: Riley Finn can marry Dawn Summers, right?

GILES
[into the tape recorder] Yes, that is correct.

FORREST
Excellent. [puts recorder away]

GILES
Well, lads, on Sunday you know Buffy is to be married. The following Sunday, Dawn will marry Riley. Oz, if she won’t agree, you may wed her yourself. Now, good night to you both.

OZ
Night, Giles.

[Exit GILES]

This bites.

[Exit]

FORREST
Got all the proof I need: Riley can hook up with Dawn now. And y’all thought I didn’t have a kick ass plan.

[Exit]

Act 3, Scene 1

SCENE I. Sunnydale. BUFFY’s house.

Enter RILEY, XANDER, and DAWN

RILEY
So, you’re going to teach Dawn, too, huh?

XANDER
Don’t sweat it, man. We’ll both have time to teach her.

RILEY
And what could YOU possibly be teaching her?

XANDER
Are you saying I don’t look teacher-esque?

DAWN
Guys, why are you fighting over who’s going to teach me this Watcher stuff? I already know Latin and Greek and the feeding habits of vampires pretty well. I don’t see why I need tutors in the first place!

XANDER
Here, why don’t we flip a coin.

RILEY
I call heads.

[XANDER flips coins.]

Sweet. Heads it is.

DAWN
[sighs] Whatever. Where’d we leave off?

RILEY
Here, this book on demonology. It’s interesting, isn’t it?

DAWN
I guess…

RILEY
Read this part about the origins of the Pargo. [quietly] You know who I really am, right? My name’s Riley Finn, and, to quote David Cassidy, I think I love you.

XANDER
Time’s up. It’s my turn.

DAWN
[flustered] Oh, right right. Hey, could you go sharpen some pencils for me?

RILEY
Yeah, go sharpen lots of pencils, man.

DAWN
Lemme see if I got this Pargo demon thing straight. [quietly] I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you, at least not yet.

XANDER
Pencils! All sharp and number two-esque!

RILEY
Is there any Liquid Paper? Here, why don’t you go to Office Depot and pick some up?

XANDER
There’s plenty of Liquid Paper right here, and besides, why do we need that if we’re using PENCILS anyway?! [aside] Dammit, I’m never gonna have any time alone with Dawn at this rate.

DAWN
[to RILEY] If you just give me some time, maybe I’ll go out with you and stuff, but we’ll have to see.

RILEY
I’m patient.

DAWN
See, it’s just that I’m so incredibly YOUNG, you know, maybe too young to be going out with guys who are WAY too old for me, but since there’s absolutely no viable characters my own age to go out with, you’re as good as anybody I guess. [to XANDER] Hey, I don’t feel like studying right now. I think I need some air.

XANDER
Sure, go take a walk. I need to make a lesson plan for you anyway.

RILEY
A lesson plan? That’s awful formal. Here, you want me to help you out with that while Dawn goes outside? [aside] If I didn’t know better, I’d say this guy wants her for himself.

XANDER
I need a lesson plan so I can make sure she’s getting all the info she needs.

DAWN
I pretty much already know everything I need to. Giles is just being weird, making me learn it all again.

XANDER
Humor me. Here, read this.

DAWN
[Reads, out of earshot of RILEY] “You’re one totally smokin’ babe.” [pause] Oh, jeez, could this get more complicated?

[Enter APRILBOT]

APRILBOT
Can you come help your sister with her wedding dress? It is very pretty, but I can’t get the train attached properly. My fingers are plastic and don’t bend well.


DAWN
Hey, guys, gotta scoot. See ya!

[Exeunt DAWN and APRILBOT]

RILEY
If she’s gone, I have no reason to stick around.

[Exit]

XANDER
That guy wants Dawn. This blows. But if Dawn’s the kinda girl who’d fall for just any idiot who gives her the eye, then I don’t know if she’s the kinda girl I’d want. Which, I’m sure, would make people happy, on account of the whole “ew” factor of wanting her in the first place.

[Exit]

Act 3, Scene 2

SCENE II. Sunnydale. Before BUFFY’s house.

Enter GILES, OZ, FORREST, BUFFY, DAWN, RILEY, and random bridesmaids

GILES
[to FORREST] Mr. Finn, this is Buffy and Spike’s wedding day, yet Spike hasn’t arrived. What the devil do you make of this?

BUFFY
He’s leaving me at the altar? Wow, let me express how totally NOT disappointed I am. I told you, Giles, he’s crazy! I bet he does this kind of thing a lot: proposes to a girl and then dumps her.

FORREST
Aw, I bet he’ll show. He’s all weird, but I don’t think he’s totally dishonest.

BUFFY
I wish I’d never met him!

[Exit weeping, followed by DAWN and bridesmaids]

GILES
I can’t blame you for being upset, Buffy. This is terribly perplexing indeed.

[Enter WALSH]

WALSH
Mr. Giles, I have good news.

GILES
Beg pardon?

WALSH
Your charge’s fiancé is on his way.

GILES
He’s coming?

WALSH
Yes.

GILES
When will he be here?

WALSH
In a little bit, I guess. He got detained when I had him taken from his hotel and a behavior modification chip put in his brain.

FORREST
What?!

WALSH
Oh. Was that out loud? I mean, uh, he’s coming now and was delayed because his tuxedo didn’t fit. I guess he had to make do with some thrift store getup. The guy looks terrible.

GILES
Is anyone coming with him?

WALSH
His friend, the younger vampire. Last I saw, the kid was wearing… oh, it’s too horrible. A white Elvis-in-Vegas jumpsuit.

FORREST
Damn, this is gonna be funny.

GILES
I don’t care what they’re wearing, so long as they come.

WALSH
Well, that’s the thing. Hostile 17… er, Spike… He’s not coming.

GILES
But you just said…

WALSH
His car’s coming. He’s inside.

GILES
That’s the same bloody thing, you stupid woman.

WALSH
Technicalities.

[Enter SPIKE and HOLDEN. SPIKE is wearing a tuxedo with no tie, his duster in place of a jacket. HOLDEN is, indeed, wearing a white spangled jumpsuit.]

SPIKE
Who’s here, then?

GILES
Thank heavens you’re here.

SPIKE
Been drinkin’ a bit. Hope you don’t mind, Dad.

GILES
You two look dreadful. No matter, let’s get this wedding underway.

FORREST
[to HOLDEN] Where the hell’d you get that thing, yo?

SPIKE
I don’t want to rush this evening. I want to savor it. Where’s the Slayer? Where’s my bride? How’re you, Rupes? And lads, don’t look all sad-like. This is gonna be a bang-up night, this is.

GILES
We feared you wouldn’t show, Spike, and now you do looking like something the cat dragged in.

FORREST
What took you so long anyway?

SPIKE
Er, I got rather a bit kidnapped earlier, bits of plastic and metal jammed in my noggin. Not a hindrance ‘t all. Only hurts when I feed. Where’s the Slayer? I miss her somethin’ fierce. Gotta get to the city hall, don’t we?
FORREST
Don’t let her see you without at least a tie, dude. Here, I think I got one in my car.

SPIKE
Sod that. I wanna see ‘er now.

GILES
As much as it pains me to say, I think you’d best change your attire before the wedding.

SPIKE
God, but you’re a prat, aren’t you? The bird’s marrying me, not my clothes. If I’m not good enough for her as I am, then bugger me. Don’t care what you lot think, I’ll see the Slayer now and have her for my wife.

[Exeunt SPIKE and HOLDEN]

FORREST
There’s gotta be a reason why those two are dressed like that. We’ll get ‘em to change before we make it to city hall.

GILES
I’ll see to it.

[Exeunt GILES and OZ]

FORREST
See, Riley, the old man’s warming up to me, which means he’s warming up to YOU. You’ll get to marry Dawn.

RILEY
Yeah, but now there’s this other tutor who’s got his eye on her. He wants her for himself.

FORREST
We’ll check into that, and keep tabs on werewolf boy, too.

[Re-enter OZ]

Yo, Oz, did you just come from city hall?

OZ
Yeah. [shudders]

FORREST
So, did Buffy and Spike get hitched?

OZ
Yeah. [shudders more] He’s crazy.

FORREST
Crazier than she is? I can’t imagine that.

OZ
He’s an asshole.

FORREST
And now she’s Mrs. Asshole.

OZ
Compared to Spike, Buffy’s nice. Spike was even more drunk at the ceremony, and yelled his vows. And don’t even get me started about the kiss. Dude, there should NOT be tongue at a wedding, that’s all I gotta say.

FORREST
Damn, yo.

OZ
I’m surprised she actually went through with it, but she did. She must’ve taken a lot of Vicodin to get through it.

[Re-enter SPIKE, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, XANDER, HOLDEN, and bridesmaids, groomsmen, et al.]

SPIKE
Thank you for coming to our little shindig, mates. Sorry to say, but the misses and I have to be out now.

GILES
You’re leaving tonight?

SPIKE
Got to get a move on so I don’t get stuck in daylight, you see.

FORREST
Aw, c’mon, get some dinner in you first.

SPIKE
Nope, sorry. This is our wedding night, after all. [sly grin]

OZ
C’mon, man, stick around.

SPIKE
No can do.

BUFFY
[quietly] Please let us stay.

SPIKE
[surprised, pauses] I am content.

BUFFY
Content to stay?

SPIKE
I am content with you for asking if we can, but we can’t, luv, sorry.

BUFFY
If you love me, you’ll let us stay.

SPIKE
Holden, bring the car ‘round.

HOLDEN
It’s all gassed up and ready to go.

BUFFY
I’m not going with you tonight, or tomorrow, or anytime until I feel like it! Yeah, fine, we’re married, but I don’t have to obey you.

SPIKE
Don’t be like that, pet.

BUFFY
I will TOTALLY be like that if I want!

OZ
Great. If this is what marriage is like, I’m having doubts.

BUFFY
Giles, we’re going to the reception. I am NOT the kind of woman who’s going to look like she’s not her own person, even after she gets married.

SPIKE
Yeah, Giles, all of you lot, go on to the reception. Obey the Slayer. Have a good time. But for my wife, she’s coming with me. Not gonna look all spineless and henpecked. She’s mine, and that’s all there is to it.

[Exeunt SPIKE, BUFFY, and HOLDEN]

GILES
I’m feeling a bit guilty, I must admit.

OZ
Thought it was kinda funny.

FORREST
Crazy, both of ‘em.

RILEY
Dawn, what do you think of your sister?

DAWN
That she and Spike are perfect for each other.

GILES
Everyone, let’s on to the reception, despite lack of bride and groom.

[Exeunt]

Act 4, Scene 1

SCENE I. SPIKE’s crypt.

Enter HOLDEN

HOLDEN
This whole “serving my sire” thing is total B.S. I swear, I’m treated worse than I was when I pledged a fraternity in college! Now I have to make a fire, and I don’t even think Spike has a fireplace! This is annoying as hell. Hey, who’s that? Dalton?

[Enter DALTON]

DALTON
Finally, some more help around here.

HOLDEN
Can you set a fire in here? Where’s the fireplace?

DALTON
Is Spike coming with his new wife?

HOLDEN
Yeah, and pretty soon, too, so I gotta get this fire going.

DALTON
Is she really the Slayer?

HOLDEN
Yup, and boy, doesn’t that gal have issues.

DALTON
This is going to be really weird.

HOLDEN
Sooooo… fireplace? No fireplace? Is there at least a microwave or something to keep some warm blood handy?

DALTON
What’s it like traveling with Spike? He doesn’t really let me out much. It’s like “translate this thing, translate that thing, blah blah blah.”

HOLDEN
You’re not missing much, seriously. He can be a total pain. Again, though, fireplace? Where is it, man?

DALTON
It’s downstairs, and I’ve already got it going, actually.

HOLDEN
You could’ve said something.

DALTON
Sorry.

HOLDEN
Okay, I guess I gotta get some blood warmed now. [sighs heavily] My psych degree is really going to waste big time. Does the place look relatively tidy?

DALTON
Pretty much, yes. So, is there any news?

WALTON
Well, the DeSoto almost ran out of gas. Spike and Buffy fought the whole way here. It was really annoying.

DALTON
Ugh.

HOLDEN
I’m thinking there’s gonna be a lot of yelling around here tonight.

DALTON
I miss the good old days. Spike and Drusilla never fought.

HOLDEN
Maybe we could get earplugs.

DALTON
Think that’d help?

HOLDEN
Maybe. So would a few hundred hours of really intensive psychoanalysis for those two.

DALTON
I don’t get why he’d want to marry the Slayer anyway.

HOLDEN
The money. Hang on, we gotta finish getting the place in order. They’ll be here in a second.

DALTON
Where were they when you left them?

HOLDEN
The cemetery. I think Spike was trying to make out with her, and Buffy was trying to hide behind a tombstone.

DALTON
That doesn’t bode well.

HOLDEN
Spike almost staked me when I suggested he might want to leave her alone tonight. I think she’s gonna be in a seriously foul mood, too, because it’d started to rain and he wouldn’t let her have an umbrella.

DALTON
God, it’s like he’s a bigger jerk than she is.

HOLDEN
This is what I’m thinking, too. Okay, the blood’s being warmed, the place is as clean as it’s gonna be, and the fire is going. I guess everything’s all set.

DALTON
Looks that way. Oh, hey, not that I, you know, care or anything, but this Buffy… is she pretty?

HOLDEN
Actually, yeah.

DALTON
I wonder if THAT’s why he married her, instead of for the money.

HOLDEN
I’m thinking that’s why she agreed to marry HIM actually.

DALTON
What, she went ahead with a marriage she didn’t want just because she thinks our sire is attractive?

HOLDEN
Have you seen those cheekbones? Those abs?

DALTON
Uhhhhhhh…

HOLDEN
[flustered] Not that I was looking. [hears a noise] Yikes, they’re coming!

[Enter SPIKE and BUFFY]

SPIKE
Oh, bloody hell, isn’t the place set? Webs? Dalton? C’mon, lads, look alive ‘ere.

DALTON
It’s all ready, sir.

SPIKE
Nobody to take our bags? This is pathetic.

HOLDEN
I’ll get everything inside, Spike.

SPIKE
Buggering git. Is the fire going? We got some food and such all ready?

HOLDEN
Yeah, yeah, everything’s ready! I swear!

SPIKE
Right, then. Let’s have some dinner for my wife, and a spot of O neg for me, then, eh?

[Exeunt HOLDEN and DALTON]

Oh, luv, tonight’ll be perfect, I promise.

[Re-enter HOLDEN with food and blood]

Webs, help me get my boots off. The laces are all knotted.

[HOLDEN helps with his boots]

Don’t look so afraid, Slayer. We’re home now, best get used to it. Here, can we get some wine?

[Enter DALTON with wine]

Why don’t you drink, pet? Might help you loosen up.

BUFFY
You’re being kinda rude to your staff here, Spike.

SPIKE
What, these idiots? Please. They don’t deserve a lick of consideration. Now, sit down, luv. [pulls her onto his lap] What’ve they given you to eat? A steak?

DALTON
Yes.

SPIKE
Didn’t you lot get the message? My bride doesn’t eat red meat. Get her some chicken.

BUFFY
Spike, it’s fine.

SPIKE
The hell it is. It looks gamy. Get her some sodding chicken. And what the devil’s with this wine? This isn’t the good stuff. Go get something proper, not this Ernest and Julio swill.

[SPIKE flings BUFFY off his lap and overturns the entire table.]

[roaring] Poncy buggers, the lot of you! Can’t do a damn thing right!

BUFFY
Oh, my God, would you please calm down?! The steak was FINE!

SPIKE
Slayer, it was mealy and awful. I’ll not have my wife eating scraps. Sod it. Let’s just go to bed.

[Exeunt]

[Re-enter DALTON and HOLDEN]

DALTON
This is worse than I feared.

HOLDEN
I so don’t wanna know what’s going on in there.

[Exeunt]

[Re-enter SPIKE]

SPIKE
And so it starts. I hope this goes down well: showing Buffy just what it looks like from the outside when somebody’s a cross hellion. She’s starting to soften, you see, and the bigger a bastard I am, the less of a bitch she’s becoming. Not even gonna give her a taste of the goods tonight, even if she starts to want me. This’ll teach her right and proper. [starts to exit, pauses] ‘Course, this is a bit hard on me as well, but I’m sure it’ll all fall out well in the end.

[Exit]

Act 4, Scene 2

SCENE II. Sunnydale. Before GILES’s house.

[Enter FORREST and XANDER]

FORREST
So, you think Dawn’s got a jones for anybody but me?

XANDER
Uh, I dunno, man.

[Enter DAWN and RILEY]

RILEY
So, you’re getting the lessons down?

DAWN
[giggling] Lessons in what?

RILEY
[quietly] Love.

DAWN
You’re really good at teaching that.

RILEY
That’s because I want you to be my girl.

XANDER
Hey, I thought you liked Riley here. [gestures to FORREST]

FORREST
Aw, man, this girl’s all fickle.

XANDER
Look, I’m not a teacher, and I hate trying to pretend to be one. Can’t you guys tell I’m actually Xander, and I was in love with Dawn?

FORREST
DUDE! Your disguise was brilliant! [aside] Not.

XANDER
This is really annoying, seeing Dawn with that other tutor guy. I’d rather she hooked up with you.

FORREST
She’s leading him on.

XANDER
I wish I’d never met Dawn. Ah, well, whatever. I’ve actually had another girl in reserve this whole time: a really rich former vengeance demon. We’re gonna get married in three days. Anyway, I gotta go. She hates it when I’m late.

[Exit]

FORREST
Dawn, I’m not gonna marry you, either.

DAWN
So, wait, both of you guys have given me up? I feel way less like the hot little supporting actress, now. This sucks.

FORREST
Yeah, well, too bad for you.

RILEY
Wow, my competition has totally dried up. Cool!

FORREST
Xander’s getting married to some demon girl.

DAWN
[pouts] I hope they’ll be very happy.

FORREST
She sounds a little like your sis in temperament, but I’m sure he’ll be okay.

DAWN
[dubious] I guess.

FORREST
Hell, if Spike can do it, so can Xander. Maybe Spike’ll give him pointers.

[Enter WALSH]

WALSH
Agents, there’s another hostile on the loose.

FORREST
Huh?

WALSH
I think he may very well be Spike’s grandsire.

RILEY
Should we initiate Phase 2 and have him installed with a modification chip, too?

FORREST
Nah, I heard about that guy. I think he’s got a soul, so he’s probably harmless. You and Dawn go on back to her place. I’ll take care of this.

[Exeunt RILEY and DAWN]

[Enter WILLOW]

WILLOW
Hi!

FORREST
Hey, what’s up? Are you somebody just passing through, or what?

WILLOW
Sort of. I’ve come up from L.A. with a friend of mine. I’m kind of his official traveling witch-in-case-of-emergency. So, like, if he loses his soul, I’m all at the ready!

FORREST
Who’s your friend?

WILLOW
His name’s Angel. He’s a nice guy, even if he is a vampire, and I guess sort of attractive, if you, uh, actually like that kind of thing.

FORREST
Whoa, girl, you brought a vampire to Sunnydale? Don’t you know the Slayer lives here?

WILLOW
It’s cool. Like I said, he’s got a soul. The Slayer wouldn’t kill him. I don’t think.

WALSH
[aside] That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to experiment on him.

[Enter ANGEL]

FORREST
Whoa, hey, you were right. He is sort of attractive.

[ANGEL just stares at FORREST without a word]

FORREST
Uh, yeah. I mean, hey, what’s up, man?

[ANGEL growls]

FORREST
You want some blood? Beer? Anything?

ANGEL
I’m here to see Giles. Old friend. Something about helping him with Dawn’s wedding.

FORREST
Well, this is interesting. Lemme tell you about how worthy this guy Riley Finn is, dude.

[Exeunt]

Act 4, Scene 3

SCENE III. A room in SPIKE’s crypt.

[Enter BUFFY and HOLDEN]

HOLDEN
I’m not gonna do anything without Spike’s permission. He’ll kill me.

BUFFY
But I haven’t eaten anything since before the wedding, and I’m starving! He says all the food’s not good enough for me! Look, at this point, I’d settle for a pack of saltines and a day-old bagel! Please? I can’t even sleep, because Spike has insomnia, so he talks to me in the middle of the night. And don’t even get me started on the whole lack-of-sex thing. I mean, yeah, I don’t really love him, but when there’s a hot naked guy in your bed who won’t touch you? It gets a little frustrating. He says he’s doing all this because he loves me so damn much, but sheesh! Enough already! I’m hungry and tired and horny and if you don’t give me something to eat, I swear I’ll stake you!

HOLDEN
Hey, hey, settle down, missy. Okay, fine. I think Taco Bell’s still open.

BUFFY
Oh, thank you! Yes, please! Even a freakin’ bean burrito! Anything!

HOLDEN
[considers] No, that seems like a really bad-for-you kinda thing to eat when you haven’t been eating healthily. I could scoot down to the all-night grocery and get you all the fixings for a big dinner salad. How’s that sound?

BUFFY
That sounds great. Thank you.

HOLDEN
Eh, but then I don’t know if tomatoes are in season right now, and God knows you can’t have a salad without tomatoes. I could fix up some ramen, I guess.

BUFFY
Yes! Yay! I love ramen. Please, please make some!

HOLDEN
Hmm. I don’t think we have any chopsticks.

BUFFY
Give me a fork, then!

HOLDEN
Aw, but you gotta eat ramen with chopsticks.

BUFFY
At this point, I’d eat it raw out of the package without being boiled.

HOLDEN
Wait, you WANT it raw out of the package without being boiled?

BUFFY
I. Don’t. CARE! Just give me some food!

[punches him in the jaw]

I don’t care if you give me a salad without tomatoes or squashed burritos or raw noodles! I DON’T CARE! Just please! I’m hungry!

[Enter SPIKE and XANDER with groceries]

SPIKE
How’s my beautiful Slayer? What, luv, you’re upset?

XANDER
What’s up, Buff?

BUFFY
Oh, I feel sick.

SPIKE
Chin up, pet, and give us a smile. Here, I got you all sorts of food, right? What, aren’t you going to thank me? [waits for answer, receives none] Oh, spite. If you won’t thank me, you must not love me, and all this shopping was for nothing. Sod it. Take the bags away, Webs. My wife doesn’t seem to want to eat.

BUFFY
Hey, who said I didn’t want to eat?!

SPIKE
Even the most pathetic waiter gets a tip, so you’re not having dinner ‘til you’ve thanked me.

BUFFY
[fuming] Thank you.

XANDER
Damn, Spike, but that was pretty harsh, even for you. Come on, Buff, I’ll have dinner with you.

SPIKE
[aside] Harris’ll eat the whole meal up, if he’s my mate. Buffy won’t get a chance at even a drop of soup. Tonight, we’re due at Giles’s flat to have a belated wedding reception. Gotta see about getting her fancy dress all set for the party.

[Enter HARMONY]

Right, Harm, did you get a dress made?

HARMONY
MADE? Hardly! This is a Calvin Klein! Besides, I don’t even know why I’m doing this for you after you dumped me, Spikey.

SPIKE
Let’s not speak of that, if you don’t mind, pet. And you did a wretched job with the size, Harm.

BUFFY
Spike, that’s totally my size, and the dress is gorgeous.

SPIKE
Gorgeous dresses deserve sweet birds to wear them. When you’re a spot nicer to folks, maybe I’ll let you have this.

XANDER
[aside] I’m thinking she’s never gonna get the dress with that condition attached to it.

BUFFY
Listen up. I’m not a kid here. I’m a grown woman, and you’re WAY not the boss of me. I’ll say what I want, when I want, how I want. I’m, like, the captain of my own ship here, buddy.

SPIKE
You’re right, Slayer. This dress is terrible. Since I love you, I won’t make you wear it.

BUFFY
Are you DRUNK?! Hello, I just got done saying that I LIKE the dress, and that there’s no way I’m going to be nice to you if I don’t feel like it! I see through your mind games, you know. I’m not stupid. Now, if we’re going to this party, I AM going to wear that dress!

[Exit HARMONY]

SPIKE
This dress? But it’s real unflattering, luv.

XANDER
[aside] She’s not gonna show up at the party NAKED, is she? Okay, I need to not go there. Think un-naked thoughts. Dead puppies, dead puppies…

BUFFY
Spike, the dress is pretty, and you’re treating me like your own personal puppet here. This is getting freaky and messed up.

SPIKE
Make you a puppet? Please. How ridiculous would it be if you suddenly turned into a puppet?

XANDER
I don’t think she means LITERALLY, Spike.

SPIKE
What, you tryin’ to imply I want to control you, then, that it? Piffle. I live to make your life one of ease and comfort, my dear.

BUFFY
Then let me wear the dress I want! Sheesh!

HOLDEN
Spike, don’t you think you’re taking this too far?

SPIKE
[glares] Did I give you permission to speak?

HOLDEN
Right. Sorry. Shutting up now.

SPIKE
That’s a good lad.

XANDER
Y’know, man, this dress is really pretty. I mean, if I were married to a chick who came to a party wearing something like that? I’d feel all kinds of proud.

SPIKE
I don’t care what you think, mate. My wife ain’t donning this rag. Holden, have Harmony take it back straight away.

HOLDEN
You sure?

SPIKE
[to HOLDEN, out of others’ earshot] Take it to Harm and have her keep hold of it. Here’s what I owe her. Tell her I’ll come ‘round to pick it back up later.

HOLDEN
Ah, excellent plan.

[Exit HOLDEN]

SPIKE
Right, then, Slayer, let’s get on to the party, even if we’re not quite decked out for such a gala. Trust me, luv, you look beautiful not matter what you’re wearing. Let’s see ‘ere, I think it’s about seven now. We should get there by eight or so.

BUFFY
Uh, excuse much, but it’s only six. If we leave now, we’ll be way too early.

SPIKE
I beg your pardon, but I say it’s seven, so it must be seven. Now, you’re crossing me, pet, and I won’t have it. If I say it’s a certain time, then it bloody well IS that time. Got it?

BUFFY
[dripping with sarcasm] Fine. It’s seven. How could I have been so wrong, when you’re ALWAYS so right… [aside] you big jerk.

[Exeunt]

Act 4, Scene 4

SCENE IV. Sunnydale. Before GILES’s house.

[Enter FORREST and ANGEL]

FORREST
‘Kay, this is Giles’s place.

ANGEL
Yup. I think he’ll remember me, since I sort of tortured him once.

FORREST
Uhhhh…

ANGEL
Oh, no, no, I was evil then. I think he’s pretty much okay with me now.

[Enter WALSH]

Who’s that woman?

FORREST
Don’t worry about her. She won’t chop you up in little pieces in her lab, I swear.

WALSH
No, I won’t. At least not right now.

FORREST
You better not, I gotta get this guy to put a good word in for Riley. I mean me.

WALSH
This still makes very little sense.

FORREST
Don’t worry about it, professor. I got everything under control.

[Enter GILES and RILEY]

Hey, Mr. Giles, good to see you.

[to ANGEL] Okay, here’s what you gotta do. Make sure Giles thinks it’s a good idea for Dawn to marry Riley Finn. That being, um, me. Like I said. Yeah. [nervous laugh]

ANGEL
Giles. Hey. Long time no see. So, this guy Riley seems to really like Dawn.

GILES
I realize that, Angel, which is why I’m fine with the match.

FORREST
Excellent.

GILES
Still, the problem remains: Oz is discontent about this.

FORREST
He’ll just have to deal.

GILES
True enough. If this makes Dawn happy, who am I to argue with that?

ANGEL
Dawn deserves to be happy.

FORREST
With Riley. [over-enunciates] RI – LEY FINN. We all got that, yo?

WALSH
I feel the need to conduct unnecessary drug experiments on my soldiers.

[Exit WALSH]

FORREST
Hey, let’s make sure, again, that Dawn’s cool with this.

GILES
Yes, do let’s speak with her.

[Exeunt FORREST, ANGEL, and GILES]

[Re-enter WALSH]

WALSH
Finn!

RILEY
Yes, professor?

WALSH
I think Forrest has some sort of strange plan that I don’t understand.

RILEY
You think?

WALSH
I’m thinking that he’s helping you marry this girl, one Miss Dawn Summers. Riley, I must implore you: remember your military post.

RILEY
I’m not planning on quitting, if that’s what you’re worried about. I can be a good husband and a good soldier.

WALSH
If you say so, but I have my doubts.

RILEY
You’re not trying to sabotage this because you have some sick Oedipal-type love for me, do you?

WALSH
[long pause] Of course not.

RILEY
Uh huh.

WALSH
[sigh] Have it your way, Finn. Here, if you truly want to marry Dawn, I think there’s a wedding chapel just up the road.

RILEY
You’re going to help me elope?!

WALSH
Yes, but if you ever tell anyone I was ever nice, I will deny it.

RILEY
Oh, professor, thank you!

WALSH
Just don’t hug me or anything. Now, go to the chapel.

[Exit]

RILEY
Wow, this is just too amazing. Dawn will be happy, I know. I’m sure I’ve won her over. Gosh, this is all happening so fast!

[Exit]

Act 4, Scene 5

SCENE V. A public road.

[Enter SPIKE, BUFFY, and XANDER]

SPIKE
Let’s get on with it to old Rupert’s place. God, but look at the full moon!

BUFFY
There’s no moon tonight.

SPIKE
Excuse me, what’s that huge giant silvery disk in the sky, then?

BUFFY
The effects of too much E, maybe? You’re clearly fried if you think there’s a full moon tonight.

SPIKE
Begging your pardon, but on my mum’s unlife, I say if there’s a full moon, then there is, or else I’m not takin’ you to see your family. Let’s get back in the car and go back home.

XANDER
Buff, just agree with him, or we’ll never get to the party.

BUFFY
[wearily] Let’s go. We’re already almost there. And, sure, yeah, it’s a full moon, and monkeys are flying out of your butt, or whatever the hell you want to hear me say. FINE. You’re right, forever and ever if it’ll get you to shut up.

SPIKE
[pauses, looks somewhat chagrined, proceeds more quietly] I say it’s… it’s a full moon, Buffy.

BUFFY
[studies him carefully for a moment] I know it a full moon.

SPIKE
[looks from the sky back to BUFFY guiltily] How can it be a full moon, when there’s not a moon in the whole sky tonight?

BUFFY
[seems close to tears] No, there’s no moon tonight, Spike, but there’s a moon when you say there is, and it’s gone again when you change your mind. Whatever… [pauses, tries not to cry] Whatever you say it is, I agree with you.

XANDER
Hey, check it out, Spike. You won.

[SPIKE regards BUFFY for a long moment, seeming torn, before puffing his bravado back up.]

SPIKE
’Course I did, Harris, why shouldn’t I? Let’s get on. Oh, hang it. Somebody’s coming.

[Enter ANGEL]

Oh, this’ll be fun. Hey, there, lovely bird. Where’re you goin’, then? Slayer, have you ever seen a more beautiful woman as this?

XANDER
Dude, that’s a MAN!

BUFFY
[to ANGEL] Wow, you’re a totally cute girl. Didn’t you used to be on the cheerleading squad at Sunnydale High back in the day?

[ANGEL raises an eyebrow and looks from SPIKE to BUFFY with confusion.]

SPIKE
Slayer, I hope you’re not comin’ down with something. This here’s a bloke, my grandsire, even, not some fetching woman.

BUFFY
Oops! My bad. My eyesight gets really bad in the… [glares pointedly at SPIKE] light of the full moon.

SPIKE
Hey, peaches, wanna join us on our way to Rupert Giles’s place?

ANGEL
I was just there, and now coming back to find you guys, actually.

SPIKE
You’ve been to see Giles?

ANGEL
Yeah, I don’t know why, but I’m helping this guy Riley Finn hook up with your wife’s sister. And Spike, I have to ask, a Slayer? You got married to a SLAYER?!

SPIKE
Don’t judge me, you great ponce. Let’s just get on to the party, all of us.

[Exeunt all but XANDER]

XANDER
Well, Spike’s little training mission for Buffy is totally inspiring! I’m going to marry my demon girl, Anya, and if she gives me trouble, then I’ll just be all irritating ‘til our moods basically cancel each other out. No big, right?

[Exit]

Act 5, Scene 1

SCENE I. Sunnydale. Before RILEY and FORREST’s fraternity house.

[Enter OZ (hidden), WALSH, RILEY, and DAWN]

WALSH
The minister is ready.

RILEY
Great. Dawn and I should get going.

WALSH
Now, you’ve got to come back to the fold even after you’re married, Finn.

[Exeunt WALSH, RILEY, and DAWN]

OZ
This sucks.

[Enter SPIKE, BUFFY, ANGEL, and HOLDEN]

SPIKE
Here, Angel, you were lookin’ for Riley Finn’s place, right? Think this is it.

ANGEL
I guess I’m supposed to, what, get this Riley guy out so he can run away with Dawn? [knocks on the door]

HOLDEN
I don’t think anybody can hear you. Try again louder.

[GRAHAM looks out of the window]

GRAHAM
Hey, what’s all the noise?

ANGEL
Is Riley Finn in there?

GRAHAM
I think he’s asleep.

ANGEL
Well, can you wake him up?

GRAHAM
Naw, man, it’s the middle of the night.

SPIKE
Be a good lad and wake him up, tell him we’ve come to get him hitched.

GRAHAM
Huh?

ANGEL
He’s eloping tonight.

GRAHAM
Wait, what?

SPIKE
God, but this bloke’s an idiot.

GRAHAM
[peers at SPIKE and ANGEL] Hey, you guys are hostiles! Get outta here!

[Re-enter WALSH]

WALSH
Well, Riley and Dawn are getting married. There goes my dream of a May-December thing with him.

ANGEL
[Seeing WALSH] Oh, no. That woman wants to do experiments on me.

WALSH
Well, well, well, what do we have here?

ANGEL
Your methods for ridding the world of evil are suspect, lady.

WALSH
They are not! And I certainly don’t have some Frankenstein’s monster sort of guy in the back room of my lab. No siree!

ANGEL
[blinks]

WALSH
What, I don’t!

ANGEL
Uh huh.

[punches WALSH]

WALSH
Help, help! The hostile is attacking me!

[Exit]

GRAHAM
Aw, jeez, I gotta get some backup!

[Exit from above]

SPIKE
Come, Slayer, let’s get out of the line of fire here.

[Exit SPIKE and BUFFY]

[Re-enter GRAHAM below; FORREST and GILES from off]

FORREST
Dude, what the hell you doin’ beating up a woman?

ANGEL
She’s not all there, man. This whole experimentation on demons and vampires thing? Weird and not totally cool.

FORREST
Don’t rush to judgment.

GILES
What the blazes is going on here?

FORREST
Giles, this Angel guy’s got this whole Batman thing happening. He’s all “Dark Knight, protecting the innocent,” blah blah blah.

ANGEL
Batman?! [wounded] I’m way cooler than Batman.

GILES
Angel, you must admit to a certain Batman motif at work here.

ANGEL
Guys, that professor is going to be a lot of trouble, I can feel it. Plus, I have this sneaking suspicion that this guy here [gestures at FORREST] isn’t really Riley Finn. Don’t ask me how I know. Apparently I’m suddenly psychic.

GRAHAM
Of course this isn’t Riley. This is Forrest.

ANGEL
See? Toldja. Now where’s the real Riley?

FORREST
Uhhhhh… Giles, this guy’s nuts. I’m calling campus security.

[Enter ANDREW, dressed as a cop]

Damn, that was fast. Hey, get this guy outta here. He’s causing trouble.

ANDREW
Let us go, vam-PYRE. [brandishes stake]

ANGEL
[eyerolls] Oh, crap.

OZ
Hang on, dude. Don’t put Angel in prison.

GILES
Do be quiet, Oz. I think Angel has caused enough trouble being cryptic and strange.

OZ
Nah, he hasn’t done anything.

GRAHAM
He’s a vampire. Isn’t that enough?

OZ
If you’re gonna arrest him just for being a vampire, arrest me for being a werewolf.

FORREST
Man, this is all my fault. All right, here it is. Angel’s right. I’m not really Riley.

OZ
Dude, seriously?

GILES
Oh, bloody hell! Get this one to jail, too!

ANGEL
I told you guys, but did anybody listen to me? No. This is so typical.

[Re-enter WALSH, with RILEY and DAWN]

WALSH
Oh, dear. Looks like trouble ahead.

RILEY
Yikes. I better make nice with Giles, now that I’ve married his charge.

ANGEL
THIS guy is Riley Finn, I’m thinking.

FORREST
I’m getting the hell outta here.

[Exeunt WALSH, FORREST, and GRAHAM]

DAWN
Giles, I’m sorry.

GILES
For what, Dawn? And where did that Riley fellow go?

RILEY
I’m Riley Finn, and I kinda just married Dawn.

OZ
There goes all my hopes down the drain, pretty much.

ANGEL
Nobody ever listens to me. It’s like, “What, Angel’s talking? Let’s ignore him. All he does is brood.” [grumbles]

GILES
This isn’t your tutor, then?

DAWN
It was Riley all along, Giles. He was only pretending to be a tutor.

RILEY
I wanted to date her without going through the channels of old-fashioned propriety. Sorry.

ANGEL
[muttering to himself] “Angel’s brooding, Angel’s boring, let’s all ignore Angel and go out and have fun. We won’t even invite him along, because of COURSE he won’t come. He’ll just sit in his room and read depressing French poetry or something.”

GILES
Let me get this straight, you married Dawn without obtaining my permission?

ANGEL
[continuing to mutter] “Oh, but look, something scary is after us! Let’s call Angel NOW, because that’s all he’s good for!”

[Exits unnoticed]

GILES
This is wretched, lad. You’ve taken advantage of my good nature!

[Exit]

RILEY
Don’t worry, Dawn. He’ll forgive us.

[Exeunt RILEY and DAWN]

OZ
Again, this sucks.

[Exit]

[Re-enter BUFFY and SPIKE]

BUFFY
Spike, we should follow and see what happens.

SPIKE
Kiss me, Slayer, and we will.

BUFFY
Wait, here? Right in the middle of the sidewalk? For all the world to see?

SPIKE
Are you ashamed of me?

BUFFY
[looks him up and down] No, but, um, I dunno. PDA really isn’t my thing.

SPIKE
Then we won’t follow, we’ll just go home.

BUFFY
Oh, hang on. Fine, I’ll kiss you.

[BUFFY kisses SPIKE, growing more fervent as the kiss progresses. SPIKE staggers backward slightly.]

SPIKE
[flustered] God, but you surprise me at every turn.

[Exeunt]

Act 5, Scene 2

SCENE II. Sunnydale. XANDER’s house.

[Enter GILES, ANGEL, OZ, GRAHAM, RILEY, DAWN, SPIKE, BUFFY, XANDER, ANYA, FORREST, WALSH, and HOLDEN]

RILEY
Okay, let’s clear this whole thing up. Dawn and I are married, and I wanna make sure everybody’s cool with this. I’m glad everybody’s here. Let’s get this party started.

SPIKE
Bring on the beer!

GILES
I’m sure I’ll be willing to forgive everything that’s happened.

SPIKE
We’re all redeemable, I’d wager.

XANDER
I hope so.

SPIKE
‘Course, I think Harris here’s a bit afraid of his new bride, the demon girl.

ANYA
He should be. [beams proudly]

SPIKE
You think that’s a good way to start a marriage, havin’ your husband afraid of you?

ANYA
Well, yes, of course. Men should always live in healthy fear of women.

SPIKE
I don’t fear my wife.

BUFFY
Anya, really. That’s passé, the whole scary bitch thing.

ANYA
Please. Being a bitch will never go out of style.

SPIKE
I doubt Harris likes living in such conditions.

XANDER
Don’t get me in trouble, Spike.

SPIKE
You do love him, don’t you, An? Give him a snog.

BUFFY
God, what is it with you and telling people to make out?

ANYA
Buffy, your husband is very strange.

BUFFY
Excuse much? Nobody gets to call my husband strange except me.

ANYA
What’re you gonna do about it?

BUFFY
Let’s not get into this.

SPIKE
Oo, girls fighting! This could be interesting. Have at her, Slayer!

XANDER
Take her down, An!

SPIKE
I’d wager a hundred bucks my Slayer could take your demon.

XANDER
Hardly.

SPIKE
We’ll just see, then, won’t we?

GILES
Oz, are you quite all right?

OZ
I’ll be okay.

DAWN
This isn’t fair. I’m married, but I’m still too young to drink.

ANGEL
You are awfully young to be married, aren’t you?

DAWN
I’m starting to have second thoughts about this.

SPIKE
Already? What a pity.

DAWN
Well, gosh, I AM so YOUNG and all. Doesn’t anybody think it’s creepy that I got married before I finished high school?!

[Exeunt DAWN, BUFFY, and ANYA]

SPIKE
Damn. The girls aren’t going to fight after all. Forrest, what do you make of this?

FORREST
Don’t ask me, man. I’m drunk as hell.

SPIKE
A chap after my own heart. Good on you.

FORREST
I’m not convinced you’ve gotten all the bitchy-ness outta your wife, man.

GILES
You’ve not calmed my charge, Spike?

RILEY
I’m thinking Dawn’s caught the perpetual PMS bug now.

XANDER
Huh? Buffy’s still all mean?

SPIKE
Well, I admit she’s not as pliable as I might’ve claimed she’d get, but I rather enjoy her this way, bein’ her own woman and whatnot.

GILES
That’s a shame, Spike. Buffy does need to learn to get along with others.

SPIKE
Oh, she can get along with others just fine. Here, let’s prove it, eh? Let’s each send for his wife, and whoever’s wife is nicest when she comes wins, what, free drinks the rest of the night?

XANDER
Sounds good to me. Who goes first?

RILEY
I will. Professor, will you get Dawn for me?

WALSH
I guess.

[Exit]

GILES
Dawn will of course come, I’m quite confident of it.

RILEY
Of course she will.

[Re-enter WALSH]

Wait, where is she?

WALSH
She says she’s busy. The girls are all in the other room watching the “E! True Hollywood Story” of Britney Spears.

SPIKE
So, she’s not comin’, right?

OZ
Huh. Maybe I lucked out here by not marrying Dawn after all.

XANDER
Hey, professor, go tell my wife to come here, please.

[Exit WALSH]

SPIKE
This’ll be great.

XANDER
She’ll come.

[Re-enter WALSH]

Hey, where is she?

WALSH
Your wife says you must be joking if you want her to come to you. She said if you want to see her, you can go into the other room yourself.

SPIKE
Oh, this just gets better and better. Webs, go get the Slayer. Tell her… [pauses dramatically] I COMMAND her to come.

[Exit HOLDEN]

XANDER
Command?! Man, she’s gonna rip you a new one for that.

SPIKE
Beg pardon?

XANDER
No way in hell she’s coming.

SPIKE
Ah, but she will.

GILES
Goodness, but he’s right. Here comes Buffy!

[Re-enter BUFFY]

BUFFY
Did you want something?

SPIKE
Where’s your sister and Anya, luv?

BUFFY
Watching TV.

SPIKE
Go get ‘em, would you, pet? And if they won’t come, rough ‘em up a little.

[Exit BUFFY]

RILEY
I can’t believe it.

XANDER
Ditto.

SPIKE
I’m looking forward to an amazing life with that one, gents. My wife’s constantly a surprise. God, I love her.

GILES
I’m amazed, Spike. It appears you’ve won the wager.

SPIKE
I don’t give a toss about the wager, really. I’m just stunned that Buffy’s comin’ around to me.

[Re-enter BUFFY, with DAWN and ANYA]

Slayer, I don’t fancy that sweater. It looks a bit wrong with your outfit. Take it off, luv.

ANYA
Oh, my God, that guy’s a jerk. I wish I still had my powers so I could turn him into a worm.

DAWN
Buffy, don’t take your sweater off just because he told you to.

RILEY
Dawn, do you realize I have to buy Spike drinks all night because you wouldn’t come when I asked you to?

DAWN
[shrugs] That’s your fault, for asking me to come.

SPIKE
Slayer, tell these birds how grateful they oughtta be to their men.

ANYA
A century of feminist progress down the toilet.

SPIKE
[eyeing ANYA] Slayer, start with that one.

ANYA
No way!

SPIKE
Oh, hell, yeah.

[BUFFY does not speak. SPIKE’s expression softens slightly.]

SPIKE
[quietly] Start with her, Buffy.

BUFFY
[smiles gently at SPIKE, then turns to ANYA] You know, being a bitch just because you can? Really not totally cool. All Xander did was ask you to come in here, and you didn’t just to spite him. Is that seriously feminism? I really don’t think so. That’s just being difficult, and at the end of the day, what little victory have you won by being like that? Marriage isn’t about who wins, it’s about partnership. Women shouldn’t want to treat their husbands badly, especially ones who are being nothing but nice to their wives. That’s, like, totally taking advantage of a situation. Now, me… [approaches SPIKE] I’ve figured out, after thinking about it for a long time, that my husband here has actually sacrificed a lot for me. I was all big with the Slayer power trip, and he was, in his own warped way, awfully patient with me. Sure, you could say he was after my money, but even after getting my dowry, he stuck around. That’s pretty amazing, when you consider how I’ve treated him. This strange, morally-conflicted vampire actually loves me. Me, who ALL of you thought was completely unlovable and annoying. That’s just… [kneels down beside SPIKE’s chair] I should be grateful for that.

[SPIKE regards BUFFY for a long moment, totally stunned. Finally takes her hand and brings her to her feet, kissing her hand tenderly.]

SPIKE
[gently, quietly] That’s my girl. Kiss me, sweetheart.

RILEY
Wow.

ANGEL
I can’t believe Spike actually did something right for once.

RILEY
[regards a scowling DAWN] Meanwhile, I think I’m in for a lifetime of big unpleasantness.

SPIKE
Will you come to bed now, luv?

[BUFFY grins and nods emphatically]

Ta, folks. Been a fun night.

[Exeunt SPIKE and BUFFY, hastily]

XANDER
Damn, he really did it. Buff’s a new woman.

[Exeunt]

[Scene dissolves back to the Hyperion Hotel]

WESLEY
That’s it?

CORDELIA
Uh, I guess. Guys, is that it?

XANDER
Yup! That’s our play!

WESLEY
So, Faith, shall we… [leers at her]

FAITH
Ugh, no, Wes. We’re not really married.

WESLEY
What?!

LORNE
It was a game, sweetie. We were taking advantage of your drunkenness to let you think you were King.

CORDELA
I love you, Wes, but King? Ha. [to her attendants] C’mon, boys, let’s get back to Pylea.

[Exit all but WESLEY and ANGEL]

WESLEY
This was quite irritating.

ANGEL
Sorta, yeah. Sorry.

WESLEY
[gets up] I will not be everyone’s buffoon. No longer shall I be the pathetic, depressed Watcher. Heretofore, I am my own man, a rogue demon hunter! Angel, fetch me a pair of leather trousers!

ANGEL
[cringes] This doesn’t bode well.

WESLEY
To the Wesleymobile, away!

[Curtain]